Lately, I’ve been getting questions from friends asking me how I remain calm. This is something I’ve found extremely difficult to answer, mainly because, in all honesty, I’ve never been the “calm friend”. I spent most of my second year crying, living in fear (of everything), and in a constant state of worry. My entire life has always felt plagued by anxiety.

But as I’ve grown older, and as my university career winds ever closer to its end, I am calmer than I have ever been. There are reasons that I can try to peg this to, and I’m going to go through them each in detail, but ultimately, I can only look at this state of calm as the result of various sacrifices I’ve made in the last two years. I’ll explain:

I didn’t know what was going to make me better in my second year. I was twenty years-old, I had friends, I was passing my classes. But I was absolutely empty inside. I felt like a child, I felt detached from my friends, I never felt smart or witty or important. So I made the conscious decision to go on exchange. I remember telling a friend that “I had to do something extraordinary”, just to prove that I could. And I did. And it didn’t always feel extraordinary while I was living in England, but it felt different, and it felt new, and that was something.

But my mood was a mess abroad. I’d never experienced manic/depressive episodes before, but for whatever reason, the extremities in my mood were noticeably stronger than when I was living in Canada. In Canada, I was just sad. In England, I was sad, but then I’d be rewarded with ceaseless happiness for a few days, as if to remind me how it felt to be content before it faded into emptiness once again. In either state, I hurt the person I was dating, I hurt my friends at home by leaving them behind, and I hurt myself. The feeling of emotional invincibility that came with the manic episodes terrify me now when I think of them.

Around April of 2016, while I was still living in England, I suddenly became aware of the fact that I had missed Intent to Register for my school back in Canada. What this essentially meant was that my school had no evidence that I was intending on returning for my fourth year of university. I was mortified. It was like my life flashed before my eyes. Was I going to need to take a year out? Would I miss the chance to graduate alongside all of my friends? What if my school didn’t want me back now?

So, as is usually my first reaction in a time of crisis, I called my dad. What he said completely changed the way I thought about my education.

He said, “Well, if you need to take a year out, we’d make it work. You have lots of time.”

Now, luckily, I was able to enroll for university in Fall. These things often work themselves out, don’t they? And, the extra time to decide on which degree I would continue pursuing allowed me to make the biggest sacrifice of my life. I decided to complete a three year BA degree over four years, instead of the full four year BA I’d originally been on course for.

What this ultimately meant was that the only courses I needed to take this year were a few spare electives and one or two required degree-specific courses. So this term I’m in three courses, and next term I’m in four, rather than taking five in each.

On top of this, I’m taking part in a work study in a communications and public affairs office where I work with social media, journalism, and content drafting. It takes up about ten hours of my weeks.

I made this choice purely for mental health. The course-load is perfectly manageable and the work is a small commitment wherein I can work from home, with only one in-office hour required per week. The extra time I have in my weeks gives me time to do things that make me happy: cooking, exercising, writing, playing guitar, etc.

Yes, my degree might appear less impressive. Yes, I likely will have to modify my undergrad should I ever wish to attend grad school but you know what? I am the happiest I have ever been in my university career.

The world will forgive you for stepping back. Your value goes far beyond your degree, what job you get, how much money you make, where you live, etc. You’ll make money. You’ll go places. And I know I’m in an extremely privileged and lucky situation but even if you aren’t, your work will get done. You’ll finish school. Because there is time. There is so much time.

Some practical ways of finding calm:

1. While you’re working on a task, either think or say out loud what you’re doing while you’re doing it. For example, I like to do this while I’m cooking. Instead of letting my mind wander to the past or the future, I tell myself what I’m doing. “Right now, I am cutting a pepper. Right now, I am frying vegetables. Right now, I am boiling pasta.” This is extremely grounding and one small way of bringing meditative practices into your every day life.
2. Remind yourself of your accomplishments, and thank your mind and body. Remember that time you finished that paper right on time? And you’re still alive to tell the tale? Holy shit, you’re incredible. You really did that. You can do it again, don’t even worry.
3. Don’t look at clocks. Just work on a task, and don’t think about how long (or not) it’s taking you. When you’ve completed a good chunk, take a peak at the time. You’ll be surprised how much you can get done in a short time.
4. There’s a stigma about taking vitamins and supplements in the vegan community, but for me, they’ve helped drastically in regulating my mood. My naturopath made me aware of my hormone imbalances and my thyroid under-activity, and I’m now taking daily supplements with things like 5-HTP and theanine and other mood balancing, relaxing ingredients. I’ve also experimented with ingredients like maca powder in my breakfast which also made a world of difference for me. These are naturally occurring, plant based ingredients that can really effect how you feel in a day. To learn more about 5-HTP and other natural supplements, check out WebMD. I’ll also be posting a blog soon discussing all the mood balancing foods and supplements I take. What you put in you makes a difference, folks!

Those are some of the ways that I’ve learned to stay calm and content, but how do you manage your mood? Let me know what practices help you relax or let me know if you want to learn more about my experience in the comments below.

With love,

Hannah x